Ok, the highly offensive and illegal frame has been removed from my tag and a photo has been taken as proof. Even though I now think my poor tag looks a little naked without the frame it has to stay off because a certain Miami Beach police officer is on the hunt for cars with frames around the tag. I am so glad that I live in an area where major crimes like this are given top priority!
Now, I need to write a letter explaining that the frame has been removed and that I have been reformed and that the entire world is now a safer place. Here's my problem...I don't know what to say in the letter. I mean...I know what I would LIKE to say, but I would prefer to stay out of jail.
Here's where your help is needed. What should I write? I figure I have several choices, just let me know which one is your favorite....
A) I could go all hipster cool...
So, this lame ticket was put on my car and it says I owe $37. Whatever! I was collecting parking tickets long before it was the cool thing to do. Besides, I pay way more than that for my skinny jeans, ironic t-shirts and non-prescription glasses. I don't think I should have to pay this fine because I am so over Miami Beach. The indie music scene here leaves a lot to be desired. Everyone knows that Williamsburg, New York is where the really cool people are. In fact, we're so cool that we deny being cool. We pretend to be lame...like your ticket.
B) I could go all paranoid conspiracy theory...
I know you've been watching me for a long time. I hear the hum of the drones over my house every night. I can't take it anymore! I didn't even put that frame around my tag. The aliens did it! Yea, it was them...and...and Tom Cruise! They did it! They use the frame to spy on the drivers behind me. They're watching to see how many drivers pick their noses at red lights and stop signs. I can't take it any more! It was either the frame around my tag or getting probed. Let's face it, NO ONE in their right mind wants to be probed by Tom Cruise! I don't think I should have to pay this $37 fine. Send the bill to Tom! Besides I need this money to buy a bus ticket out of town. I have to go live off the grid. I need to be somewhere that you, the aliens and Tom Cruise will never find.
C) I could go all thankful reformed convict...
I am forever grateful to the vigilant police officer who placed this $37 ticket on my car. At
first I was angry but now I see the the error of my ways. This police officer has changed and probably even saved my life. You see, I was a wayward Kindergarten teacher heading down a very dark and lonely path. Who knows where I would have ended up if not for the kindness of this uniformed stranger. Driving a car with a frame around the tag is just a gateway crime. Had I continued driving around like that who knows where I would had ended up six months or a year from now! It probably would have led to drinking orange juice after the expiration date and pulling tags off of mattress' just for fun. And then, before you know it, I'm the freaking Walter White of South Beach. Please excuse me from paying this $37 fine. I would like to use the money to start a new more meaningful life.
D) I could go all Bonnie and Clyde...
You really want this $37 dollars? Well, come and get it, coppers! I got some high cholesterol donuts and I'm not afraid to use them. Come and get 'em! I've also got some whole milk, but you'll need to bring your own coffee. I don't touch that stuff. However, I could take $37 from you and go buy some coffee. How'd ya like that idea? Huh? Huh?
E) I could go all wounded victim...
Whyyyyyy meeeee?!?! I wasn't doing anything! I wasn't even in the car when the ticket was placed on the windshield. It's not my fault! Everybody just always picks on me. I used to think that cops were the good guys, but now I know you're just bullies like everyone else. My mom says that you're just jealous cause you don't have a frame around your tag and I should be nice to you, but I don't want to be nice to you if you aren't nice to me. I'm tired of everyone picking on me! I don't want to pay this $37 fine. I want to use the money to download sad music so I can play the same songs over and over as I lie in bed and pretend that I'm a pretty, pretty princess just like my mom says.
F) I could go all concerned citizen...
Recently, I received a $37 ticket because of an illegal frame that was surrounding my tag. I know that keeping up with these serious crimes is a burden on an already overworked and understaffed police department. Instead of paying this ticket, I would like to volunteer my time as a crime fighter. You can concentrate on the serious tasks of placing these all important $37 tickets on parked cars and I'll take care of the mundane less serious crimes like robbery, murder, rape, etc... Maybe I could wear a cape and you could give me a badge and I could run around yelling things like, "Stop in the name of the law!" I know you may think I'm totally unqualified, but judging from the number of cars with illegal frames around the tags that go unticketed everyday, I don't think you can afford to turn down the help!
Of course, I also need a backup plan. You know, in case my wonderful letter doesn't work and I have to pay the ticket and/or get arrested. Let's face it, depending on which letter option you vote on, the chances of my needing to cough up $37 is pretty good. So, how will you support me? Make your pick below....
1) I'll bake a cake with a file in it cause your looney butt is definitely going to jail! (If you go with this option, I prefer vanilla cake with chocolate frosting)
2) I'll contribute to your defense fund (if you go with this option, thanks and please notice the paypal donation button on the left hand side of my blog.)
3) I'll make and sell "Free Ginger" t-shirts then retire in the Bahamas on the profit I make while you
rot away in prison. (If you go with this option, I WILL find you, someday...you know, when they let me out)
4) I'll contact my cousin "Big Shirley" inside the big house. She's doing 25 to life, you don't want to know why. Anyway, she'll protect you. (If you go with this option, thanks....I think...)
5) Forget prison! Run! Run like the wind! I'll contribute money so you can pay for plastic surgery, fake passports and a one way ticket out of the country. (If you go with this option, thanks...and once again please notice the paypal donation button on the left hand side of my blog)
6) I'll set up a kickstarter account and raise money to make a lifetime movie about you. (If you go with this option, please get Heidi Klum to play me)
7) I'll move to Miami Beach and order in fajitas on a regular basis so the cute fajita delivery guy doesn't go broke while you're in prison. (If you go with this option....look but don't touch! He's mine!)
There you go! These are your options. Please help anyway you can.
Of course, in all fairness, I should be up front and let you know that I was on SERIOUS amounts of cold medication when I wrote this post.